Tools – Best Practices
Understand
· Remember that Fetal Alcohol is organic brain damage. Do not take things personal. As a parent, recently, so eloquently said to me,”If I had realized the depth of the disability, I would not have taken so personal their attacks.” A few days later they said, “Sometimes, I feel guilty that I did not understand earlier.”
· Always beware of the percentages
o 80% need assisted living
o 80% cannot keep a job
o 70% will be locked up for alcohol and drug rehab, for mental health, of which the largest reason being for crime
o 60% disrupted school experience
o 50% sexual issues
· Beware of their other diagnoses and how they affect them, especially attachment disorder
· About the developmental gap
· You must be flexible
· Confusion
· Slow processing
Techniques I use to help me to be calm
· The less something is said and the calmer it is said, the more effective it will be.
· Delayed parenting- calms them down – I use my timing
· Use a Cognitive Thinking Program (see website Dad’s Seminar Forms)
· Use a point system
· Have a level system or home base.(100% kids) (see website Dad’s Seminar Forms)
· Do re-runs – for incorrect actions or behaviors
· Talk with another person about the child in front of them, and they are not allowed to talk or to defend themselves
· Be honest with them about their own socially unacceptable behaviors
· Build their self-esteem – not a false self-esteem – teach them a skill
· Build a relationship with them. with some, this is a very difficult. Fetal Alcohol and attachment disorder can make building a relationship with them, at times, impossible
· Make things a non-issue
Teach Them
· Sometimes persons with Fetal Alcohol have a developmental growth spurt in their late 20s to mid-30s, which means they can do things that they could not have done before. Things such as: keep a job or they stop making choices that puts them in jail. There is hope at times.
· Teach them to forgive – forgive others and themselves, including forgiving you for not understanding and for judging their heart
· Teach them to stay connected, accept help, ask for help, and be nice. A persons worth is not in keeping out of jail
· Do the workbook with them (see website Fetal Alcohol Workbook)
· Teach them life skills (see website Fetal Alcohol Workbook)
· Teach them to use to-do lists, calendars, and have goals – again and again and again
· Teach them to be organized in their rooms, their school, and their lives
· Teach them to do their daily chores and projects
· Teach them to be a team player
· Teach them not to blame other, but to find solutions to their problems
· About brain health
· Special for little kids
o Sitting on the bucket
o Home base
o Talk to them about
1. Fetal Alcohol
2. Out of control
3. Loving them unconditionally
4. Not liking their behaviors
5. Helping them gain control
Conclusion
· Protection- protection- protection
· Be willing to change and to try new things
· Realize, at times, nothing works
· Try to understand their confusion
· Take care of yourself and if you’re married, your wife or husband. Do not use it as a selfish thing, but to build yourselves up so you can do the task at hand
· They may have a part-time conscience
· Love is not enough, but it is extremely important
John Hays
HaysKids@frontiernet.net
218-376-4501
