Expectations

Realize they have organic brain damage. They need your help; you are doing a very hard and important job parenting them.

Remind yourself often they have organic brain damage, that they are not doing things just to drive you crazy or because they are bad. They often don’t learn from their mistakes, they forget the rules, even though you have told them a thousand times, including 2 minutes ago. Have patients.

Think about what they have lived through, (FASD + Reactionary Attachment Disorder + Other Diagnosis = Who They Are) have compassion. They have organic brain damage.

First, understand that normal parenting techniques will not work. Persons with FASD have organic brain damage. The three most common characteristics of persons with FASD are Impulsiveness, Lack of Self Control, and Confusion. Learning parenting techniques specific to it will not only improve their lives but yours also.

I work part time as a Parent Liaison for MNASAP, Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation. Part of my job is to answer crisis phone calls. Once I had a phone call from a lady who blurted out, “How long does God expect me to do this?” She went on to say that she did not like her adopted child, she did not love him anymore, and did not want to live with him anymore. She just wanted to know how to give him back.

I explained to her that what she was feeling was not uncommon, and what her child needed was: a Correct Diagnosis, Services, and for her to be Calm. What she needed was: Respite, Hope, a Support Group, to be Calm, and Knowledge about FASD and Parenting Techniques specific to it. We then talked for over an hour about Parenting Techniques.
Well two weeks later I called her back and asked how things were going, she said, “Fine.” Then I asked her how her son was doing. She said, “Really Well!” In actuality her son had not changed, she had changed. She understood him better, she had changed her expectations, and she had changed the environment around him. She had become calmer. She had learned some parenting techniques specific to his diagnosis.

Being calm: As one parent/professional once told me, “The less I say and the calmer I say it, the more effective it is.” Not only is this true, but it is unhealthy for your child, and it is unhealthy for you to yell them very often. It creates an emotional gap between both of you. You want them to feel you are on their side. Being calm is more important than almost any issue.

De-escalation: All too often when a person with FASD thinks they are in trouble, their already fragile connectors in their brains go down, at that point all they can do is deny and escalate. Use a time out before you ever talk to them about something that has happened, or present it and say we will talk about this later. This will give them time to calm down and let their brain stabilize. This is important with older kids too. (Kid in prison)

Look at “What Frustrates You.” What are they doing that frustrates you the most, then work on it. Sometimes you have to just accept it. Most of the time you can find a solution if you can remain calm long enough and continue trying different ideas. As long as you are seeking a solution, then there is hope, which is something you need.

On the other hand, if you think they are going to change, then you have a problem. You change their circumstances. You change their environment. Don’t set them up. (Bed wetting)

Telling the truth and not stealing are often very hard issues. They are issues that you need to teach to often. I am not soft on these issues, I am realistic.

You need to understand that because of their FASD confusion, at times, they do not know the truth. I received an E-mail asking if I knew any resources on Lying. In my reply, I asked if the child has FASD. I went on to explain that if they did, sometimes the child is lying to try to keep out of trouble, however sometimes it is a FASD lie, caused by confusion. Sometimes if you give them time to let their brain calm down then they can tell the truth. At times they lye because they think that is what you want them to say, or because they think it will get you off their back. This can be a real problem when dealing with the police.

So, how do you tell the difference between a FASD lye and lying? If they get in more trouble because of the lye, not for lying, but because of the lye then I figure it is because of FASD.

In the FASD world we do not call it stealing, we call it “ownership issues.” It is often because of their impulsiveness that they take things. Often they do not even want what they take. Lock things up, remove the temptation, that protects them. You could say I should not have to lock things up, that’s true, but it is easier to lock up really valuable things. One person asked me what happens when they get older if I have not taught them not to steal. They still need protection when they are older, and it is not as if you will lock up everything, just your most valuable things. I know several parents who keep their bedroom door locked.

Make it a rule they can’t keep found items, that they can’t borrow anything, and they can’t trade things. I know a parent who checks her daughters backpack everyday when she comes home from school. Her child knows she is going to check it and that becomes a way for the daughter to stay honest. (Mother in Target)

Learn to protect your child.

Learn parenting techniques specific to FASD.

I was recently asked to expand on being calm and on de-escalation. I have included it because it is what we do, it is given as examples:
RE: Calm. When you say stay calm what are some of the methods you use
a) average day, just to stay centered...For me personally it starts about 5 with my morning routine. I get up (I feel alert and normally have a sense of well being). I pray, I listen, and then I row on our rowing machine (while listening to books on tape). After that I work on the computer, catching up on my emails, doing HaysKids work or MNASAP work.

During the day if I am home I really try to take 2-4 kids and work on a building project or gardening or crafts. By only having a few kids it is less hectic. That also gives me a feeling of moving forward.

We have PCA’s and they give us a break.

Holiday, my wife, and I try to give each other a break. She does stretching and PT exercises almost every day. She also tries to take some time off to read, to rest, to do art most days. Holiday works outside in her ever growing flower garden regularly.

The kids go up to their rooms a little after 8 most evenings, except “Friday Night.” In their rooms they listen to tapes or music, they read, they play quietly by their selves.

Being calm is a goal of parenting for Holiday and I. It is a plan. The way our school is set up, the way our day is structured, the way we parent is all affected by our desire, need, to have calmness. They need calm also.

When every we see, or hear, things starting to get wild we deal with it immediately.

b) starting to get hectic, beginning to feel overwhelmed. Ask for calm. If that does not work then we redirect the child or children who are causing trouble.

c) feel yourself losing self control and the chaos level is rising. Redirect, redirect, redirect! Put a child or children in time out.

During this stage or the next if Holiday or I hear the other one starting to lose it we go to the problem area immediately. We then gently try to take control. We remind the other one to calm down and to “not pick up the rope.”

d) all out chaos - major stressor --- feel completely unglued!!!!! Escort the kid to their room, and turn on their door alarm.

Get some else to handle it and take a break. On one occasion I called up a support person and asked him to come and get a child at 10 o’clock at night. The child stayed there for 3 days.

RE: Deescalate. Very similar to calm, perhaps, but how to deescalate
situations. The first line of defense is prevention. Structure, routine, tight controls, are always we use to prevent de-escalation. This needs to be done with love not harshness. We also explain to them why we have to have such tight controls; it is for their protection. De-escalation is a goal.

a) minor - a few snippy words? Calmly say that is not proper or it is not socially acceptable. Try not to escalate the situation.

b) not so minor. Ask the kid to go to the corner or a chair and to calm down. Then later talk to them about what happened.

c) quite serious. Have them go to their room, at that time we put on their door alarm.

d) bedlam. Restrain the child. I hate this one, I always feel I’ve failed when this happens. It is very rare, very rare. At the same time it can be a very effective therapy tool with a smaller child (up to 9 or so).
Call for back-up.