http://www.hayskids.com/hayskids_009.htm This Is HaysKids's website describing the assisted living center as well as information about adoption and FASD. Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:59:41 GMT Web Easy by Avanquest Publishing USA, Inc. http://www.hayskids.com/hayskids_009.htm http://www.hayskids.com/hayskids009p00.gif Feel good about your parenting. All too often when I say this, parents think, “I’m just trying to survive.” We need to reach beyond surviving so we can feel good on the inside about our parenting. Some days are just hang on days. Tell your child that you are on their side, and then prove it to them. Tell them that you are not out to get them, but that you are out to teach them. The purpose of consequences is not to get them but to change their behaviors. This will help you to feel good about yourself and about your parenting. There is a difference between Equality Vs Fairness. Our goal is not to be equal but to be fair. A child with FASD may not be able to ride their bike on the road when another child can, but the child with FASD maybe just told to stop throwing a fit where the other child would have consequences for the same action. Never try to be equal but try to be fair. (An example – meal time) When you have children living in the home who do not have FASD you need to let them have as normal of a life as possible. You need to let them do age appropriate things. You need to understand the difference between “Won’t vs. Can’t.” “Can’t” means they either do not have the ability, the drive, or the understanding to do something. “Won’t is defiance.” Keep in mind, knowledge or skills gained one day does not automatically mean they will know it the next. (Going up to bed)(Reading) As parents we need to make changes, learn parenting techniques, and change our expectations. We need to strive to feel good about our parenting. Inspire them to do good. Teach them it’s ok to have FASD; however their life will be different. They will need assistance. For one young man that assistance was a wonderful wife. We all need help in some areas. Tell them they can live a good life; most people with FASD can marry and have children. They can give hope to others, they can show the world they can make it, they can be a good team player, and a good community member. Teach them the price is too high for them not to do good. (Phone call) Negativity, point it out, fight it. If you ask them what frustrates them, you will often hear; “I’m bad, I’m stupid, I’m a retard, I lie, I can’t do good, or I steal.” Building their self esteem needs to be one of your goals. Realize they often feel lonely, sad, confused, and they have a higher suicide rate. To build their self-esteem teach them a skill. Teach them to do something others will recognize and will give them praise and credit for doing. That will give them good honest self-esteem. Set an example, model for them correct behavior, tell them the right answer. We often assume they know the right answer when often times they don’t. It may seem ridiculous to have to tell a teenager the correct answer when they blow it is to say I’m sorry, but that is often part of their training. Your actions, the things you do, teaches them. So you need to do good. Quality of life, both theirs and yours. Not only now but also into their future. Don’t buy into lies; as parents we are often told their bad behaviors are just “normal kid stuff.” The difference is the frequency upon which the behaviors occur, the intensity of them, the fact that they often do not learn from their mistakes, and that normal parenting techniques will not stop the behavior. Another big difference is 60% are either dead or in prison by the age of 30. You may be misunderstood by professionals. Some professionals really do not understand FASD and look at the parents as the source of the problem and they think the child is fine. (National speaker shared) Deal with your feelings of failure as a parent. Forgive yourself. Learn parenting techniques, it will help. Be emotionally involved with your kids, not their undesirable behaviors. Don’t remove the services if the child is doing better. They are doing better because of the services. Protect them and yourself. We now use door alarms. They are a mechanical means to help them have self control, to help them stay in their room. They don’t necessarily like them, but we explain to them they are there to protect them. We are very upfront about them and they have accepted them. They see the alarms help the other children. For all but one child we only use the alarm when they have been sent to their room for time out, or when both mom and dad are really tired and we just need to know where everone is. For one child we turn it on every night. It is a way to protect him and everyone else. We sleep better knowing we don’t have to be concerned about his getting up and wondering through the house or going into someone’s bedroom at 11 o’clock at night. We buy them at Radio Shack for around $21. They hang on the outside of the door. Buy the key type not the one with the touch pad. The door alarms have improved our quality of life. Make their quality of life and your quality of life one of your goals. Take care of yourself. Find respite, become part of a support group. Be calm, and learn about FASD and learn about parenting techniques that work. Have hope, for without it life can definitely be overwhelming. Beware! The divorce rate is higher among adoptive parents than that of the nation. So take special care of each other. As caregivers we are human too – when we fall apart and blow it, we need to ask forgiveness. It will help your relationship with them. That will not only help them but you also. Your ex-friends vs. new friends: Often if you adopt or foster a child with FASD many of your old friends fade away. But that’s ok, your new friends will be much better ones, they will be patient and want to understand. (5 year old girl, church) Tell your child with FASD that they must “Forgive” their biological mother. You have to forgive her also. (We went to prison to visit) A couple of years ago Holiday and I felt we were we were wearing down physically. We live with a lot of stress. So we started eating better and getting regular exercise. We plan time off for us both individually and as a couple. Take care of yourselves not as a selfish thing but to make you a better parent. http://www.hayskids.com/hayskids_009.htm Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:59:41 GMT HaysKids is Created By HaysKids Assisted Living Center