Structure

Protecting them. They often need protection from the society and from themselves and the society often needs protection from them. As they get older, protecting them not only becomes more important but it is more difficult to do. They need even more external structures and controls.

You need to be a control freak. You will be judged for being too hard on the kid, and then when the kid blows it, it is your fault because you didn’t have control over them. It is as if you can’t win. Being a control freak does protect them, therefore you do win and so does your child.

As our children are getting older we are locking more and more things up. This is to protect them from getting into trouble or from breaking, stealing, or ruining things. We now use door alarms on our kids bedroom doors, it is a mechanical means to give them self control.

If they can’t deal with 6 year old issues then how are they going to deal with teen and then adult issues? Our children are not getting worse as they are getting older, they are dealing with more complicated issues and they do not have the skills to handle them. Keep this in mind when making their “Life Plan.” (Calamine Lotion)(I’m cold)

Teach them to trust you and the people you say to trust.

Because they can understand the words it does not mean they understand the meaning. For example, you tell them, “Don’t talk to strangers.” So you go to the park and your child brings Jane, an adult up to meet you. You ask your child what the rule is, they will say not to talk to strangers. Then they go to explain that Jane is not a stranger because they know Jane’s name. Just because they understand the words does not mean they understand the meaning. Ask them to tell you the meaning of what you said not to repeat the words.

Notify the police that you have a child at risk. Teach the police about de-escalation. Make them want to stay home as a young adult, or at least stay connected. You do this by being nice to them and by making them feel that you really are on their side. The truth is you want them to stay home because 60% are either dead or incarcerated by the age of 30. Even if they are not, chances are overwhelmingly high that their life will be a disaster.

Families that are doing the best with older kids and adults with FASD are ones who have planned ahead and who are assisting their child. For some that means living in the basement, above the garage, and for one family it even meant building an apartment on to their home for their daughter to live in.

They need cradle to grave support.

Learn to protect your child.

Change their socially unacceptable behaviors. It’s not fair to a child or the parent to not try to change a child’s bad behaviors. Some behaviors you will not be able to do anything about, but try. Often you cannot change their behaviors but you can change their environment. You can change the way you look at something or you can eliminate the temptation.

I know our children must get tired of hearing us say, “That is socially unacceptable.” (2 hours doing a 10 minute job)

Your job is not to “get them” when they blow it, it is to “train them.” Strive to feel good about your parenting. The purpose of consequences is not to get them, it is to change their behaviors.

We work on little things such as bickering all the way up to a child saying, “I should hang myself.” For bickering they have to go back to “Home Base,” which I will talk about later. For making a statement like I should hang myself, even though we knew they were just mad and did not mean it, we put the child on suicide watch. That means they have to stay right next to mom or dad. We explained that even though they did not mean it, they have to learn to control what they say. It is not socially acceptable to say I should hang myself.

Wear them out, keep them active, kids who are tired are often nicer. One of our favorites is firewood, also organized play.

I’ve coined a new saying, “Extreme Parenting.” It is what I think of when dealing with our hardest children. “Extreme Parenting” means even tighter controls.

One national speaker said, “If you are not accused of being a control freak, an enabler, and of being co-dependent, then you are not doing your job.”

So do them and yourself a favor, try to change their socially unacceptable behaviors.